Day to Day Writing, Uncategorized

Day to day Writing #31

–but because I felt like it was the last chance to ever do it, I said yes, and for the first hour I was certain it was the worst decision of my life but the wall in my heart built from years of protecting my emotions from people, from lovers who never had the same intent as I did when we first began, from a friend who left quicker than I can say goodbye,  years of experience and knowledge that solidified my resolve suddenly melted the moment you leaned close to my back and I could feel your lips slightly grazing the nape of my neck, as you breathed comfortably with me wrapped like a cocoon in your arms, and never in my life did I ever feel so safe and scared at the same time, and in one second I forgot the mantra I repeated to myself over and over again as the night was ending and the bar was closing, to have no expectations beyond friendship, to continue despite my questions, to be open to suggestions and to accept you for who you are – but in that moment all I could feel was my heart beating so vulnerably as your arm trailed underneath the pillow to scoop me closer to your chest, as your hand rested on top of my shoulder and the way your fingers clenched me closer to you, and your knuckles responded to the touch of my fingertips as you told me your life story, as  you smirked and turned your eyes towards me in the morning, as you whispered to my ear, “I can hear the school kids”,  as you laughed when I hid my face in your shoulder in shame, as you took a deep breath and asked me for the third time if you were intruding, as your arm sneaked across the duvet to pull me in closer when you felt me tense up from the way our conversation was going – as you explained what a duvet cover was –  as you smiled when I woke up with a start, suddenly afraid of being in a strange place and you asked comfortingly, “Aside from the stuffiness, are you okay?”, and the way your breathing turned shallow and haggard every time I re-adjusted myself in your arms – last night was simultaneously the sweetest and strangest night of my life, you’re a wonderful, bitter secret I kept with me on the walk home, and trying to find my role in this confusing affair is scaring me to the bone, and convincing myself to leave it be and to try my goddamn best not to close-read, and simply to just be —

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