I still feel everything.
The rawness, the sweetness of being in a new relationship –
the fire that envelops my body and keeps me warm;
the storm that rages in my heart.
I tried so hard to fight the paradise slowly rising in my mind
but you crawled right through;
you took those giant hands and pounded them against defenses I have built especially for men like you –
in fear I stood, paralyzed, immobilized,
watching them slowly crumble in front of your bent knees and told myself, repeatedly: Don’t do this, please don’t do this. He will leave.
And then one day, it happened:
I was vulnerable and exposed and I liked it.
I liked being folded up in the cusps of your hands to be tended to and adored.
I called you for help when I needed it; I resented you openly when you didn’t give it.
I told you I loved you so many times it hurts.
Each time I recall it now, I shudder.
How weak I let you made me; how fast I gave myself to you;
how blindly I kept going.
Now that it’s over, I can’t stop.
My mind is on repeat;
keeps showing me the things we used to do,
the things we promised each other we would do.
You told me Singapore, and I said, stoically, unfeelingly,
I don’t think we’re ever going anywhere,
like a fortune teller,
like a dark foreboding figure that knew in the depths of my heart,
we wouldn’t last.
So why be shocked, when I knew it all along?
Why stay in fetal position and do nothing else but breathe because it’s the only thing that’s tolerable?
Why feel the jabbing in my heart, twisting and twisting until it ruptures –
and I’m left with so many pieces that I’m in awe at how tiny my heart can break.
Each day is carving myself into existence;
each hour is an Everest I have to climb but it keeps going –
each breath I take gets shallower and shallower until there’s not enough oxygen to keep me going –
I feel my walls breaking over and over again –
I fall asleep to peace and dream that we’re still together –
I wake up panicked and confused, and grieving all over again.
I don’t feel safe, nothing feels safe, nothing feels true and trustworthy.
I am falling apart inside this prison of my own making and I don’t know how long I can keep going.
And I see you, stoic and unchanged,
brushing off our history like a speck of dust on your shoulder.
I am crumbling under the weight of the world and you’re standing tall and succeeding,
the curve of your cheeks glowing.
Healthier than ever before;
as if the stain of our relationship was what was holding you down,
while I drive myself further into the ground without you.
I have so many questions you refuse to answer,
dodging them so effortlessly even as I fall apart in front of you.
I loved you so much – it wasn’t enough
and now I’m left shell shocked, and lost –
no longer able to find my way home –
because falling in love with you, sweetheart,
was falling in love with stone.